I loved this task. I am a huge fan of absurd poems and, particularly, of Dorothy Parker and Edward Gorey. I must, first, give credit to Spidere for helping me with the letter Q. I was stumped at several letters but managed to overcome all but Q. All the names (with the exception of Xenu...although I could make an argument for Xenu causing me personal harm) are of people I have actually been affronted by in some way.

The idea of writing a poem about the downfall of your enemies harkens to something petty and mean, so I really focused on that hard little knob of bitterness that has worn away with age & maturity but is still memorable. I am particularly proud of Carl's end because he rode my bus in grade school and is most famous for having mooned the bus at the end of a school day, though he denied it ever after. Just to give you a sense of the utter niggling cheapness invoked: Oodie was a horse I had to ride at summer camp who stoutly ignored my commands to go around the cloverleaf. That bastard. The glue factory was too good for him!

A Ghastly One's Whinings

A is for Adam,
Cut up by glass
B is for Bree,
Suffocated by gas

C is for Carl,
Who died of exposure
D is for Dave,
Who will never get closure

E is for Emma,
Kidnapped by slavers
F is for Frank,
Brought down by tasers

G is for Gary,
Sickened by ink
H is for Helen,
Stuck in the clink

I is for Ilius
Neutered and leashed
J is for Jeremy,
Alone and obese

K is for Kate,
Known for impurity
L is for Lauren,
Lost in obscurity

M is for Mindy,
Living on cat food
N is for Nathan,
Mentally un-glued

O is for Oodie,
Put down for his wanderings
P is for Paul,
Disowned for his squanderings

Q is for Quentin,
Whom I haven't yet met
R is for Rachel,
Mired in debt

S is for Susan,
Stuffed in a won-ton
T is for Tori,
Dead at more than one ton

U is for the Unnamed,
Their carotids 'neath my thumb
V is for Vanessa,
Who choked on her gum

W is for Winnie,
Nibbled by puggles
X is for Xenu,
Made by a muggle

Y is for you,
Curiosity kills
Z is for Zach,
Drowned in a still

This is a poem not about my enemies on SF0, but from my past, a more... shall we say, piratical past? Our banner was the Black Plague and we took no prisoners. This poem is about those times. It takes the form of a sestina, a fairly complex layout with the final word of each line repeating in various forms. The final tercet is replaced with a rhyming couplet.

At Sea

As evening falls, the skies are turning black
And on the seas now roams a looming plague
All filled with fire, torment, pain and death
With punishment wrought from a sharpened sword
And as the evening falls- now hear a shot
The nighttime chill will take away your breath

And as you struggle now to take a breath
The air around you turns a deadened black
And in your ears rings out that warning shot
That harbinger of doom, that hell-born plague
You struggle now to fast unsheathe your sword
And hope this evening air will not bring death

For now the threat of ever-looming death
Is that of which you speak beneath your breath
And as you gaze upon your dull dark sword
Your thoughts soon turn to gloom, a brooding black
Determined now to fight against the plague
You set your cannon now to take a shot

And having aimed you quickly fire the shot
And dream of your sweet vict'ry over death
For now you think you have escaped the plague
That threatened once to take away your breath
And turn your heart from red to rotting black
Then cut it out with a quick-slashing sword

But now you feel upon your throat a sword
And now you realize your plan is shot
And in the seas around you churning black
From deep, the ocean spirits speak your death
Its chilling song spoke in a raspy breath
Face it now: 'tis you must face the plague

And tightly to your throat clings now the plague
Its fiery rage expressed within a sword
So close that now you fear to draw a breath
Your only wish is now to fast be shot
And mercifully let it bring you death
Your vision fading to a final black

So now you see, to fight Black Plague is death
Our sword and shot will quickly steal your breath

After the previous two completions, I'm a little embarrassed to put mine up; but I like limericks, love SF0, and my only enemies are those who keep their minds closed, either because they won't listen or won't act. I hold out hope that any enemy of mine may one day be my friend.

There are people who always say 'no',
Close their minds and refuse to let go.
They'll change and get better.
Their minds they'll unfetter
When they finally join SF0!

My talents lend themselves more towards inventing words (pississity, conundramatic) and nicknames so I spent a vast amount of time trying to come up with something clever for this. When I say vast I mean I was wandering the streets of Osaka in the back of my head attempting to dub anything unusual I saw into PCTTK? form. For a while I was considering DFA (Death From Above) because hanging over the streets of the most crowded shopping district of Osaka are hundreds of wires linking numerous electricity and phone poles holding more transformers and other equipment than I, as an utterly paranoid spaz, feel is safe. But, "it was a total DFA situation" just didn't feel right. DFA is not much of a worry for those of us who aren't small prey.

At some point I started randomly emailing new members of SF0 when I saw a completion on the Praxis that I liked and, after a certain incident recounted below, I signed one of the messages "tasks before flasks". Thus, TB4F was born. It is both succinct and helpful. I have attempted to sign all SF0 emails with it and have received, thus far, one reply with the same signature. I sent the following email to friends on SF0:

My Dear Friends and Acquaintances of SF0,

I contact you today with a Public Service Suggestion regarding safe task completion. There are many vital universal rules of conduct in this world (Merlot and email don't mix, bros before hos, never get in a land war in Asia...), which assist us in safely negotiating everyday life. SF0 requires its own. Please allow me to regale you with a cautionary tale, to tell you of my dark past, and how I came to bring the light of experience to you in this email.

It was only days ago that I sat alone in a hotel room drinking the fermented tears of baby seals and poking through the SF0 site. I was kindly invited into a group task that required me to upload several documents as a part of completion. In my seal tear-induced state of carelessness I pressed the "Submit Proof" button prematurely! Woe betide the player that from the coil of potential and into the realm of Praxis prematurely releases a task! One should not consume alcohol prior to meddling in the affairs of Proof Submission (unless judged right for completion)!

So I ask you to, in your pursuit of SF0, please remember the following mantra: TB4F. Tasks Before Flasks. May it guide you safely and securely into the realm of healthy, happy completions. I encourage you to sign your emails with this reminder (simply TB4F) to your SF0 friends.

TB4F,
Flitworth

Being a self confessed computer nerd, I decided to go look up the actual meaning on the word Spam.



I had always assumed this meant Stupid Annoying Pointless Messages, but I was proved wrong, as you will see.

My first stop was Wikipedia (of course) and after going through the rather long disambiguation page (no, not meat spam) I got to the correct page.

Under the History section, I came across something promising.

t is widely believed the term spam is derived from the 1970 Monty Python SPAM sketch, set in a cafe where nearly every item on the menu includes SPAM luncheon meat. As the server recites the SPAM-filled menu, a chorus of Viking patrons drowns out all conversations with a song repeating "SPAM, SPAM, SPAM, SPAM... lovely SPAM, wonderful SPAM", hence "SPAMming" the dialogue.

Sounds good, what else does wikipedia have for me...

Although the first known instance of unsolicited commercial e-mail occurred in 1978[5] (unsolicited electronic messaging had already taken place over other media, with the first recorded instance being via telegram on September 13, 1904

Hehe, Hello STOP please send money STOP my child is sick STOP I will get on plane as soon as money has arrived STOP

Commercial spamming started in force on March 5, 1994, when a pair of lawyers, Laurence Canter and Martha Siegel, began using bulk Usenet posting to advertise immigration law services.

And here we have some false meanings;

There are three popular false etymologies of the word "spam". The first, promulgated by Canter & Siegel themselves, is that "spamming" is what happens when one dumps a can of SPAM luncheon meat into a fan blade. The second is the backronym "shit posing as mail." The third is similar, using "stupid pointless annoying messages."[citation needed] Most suitable seems to be the Esperanto interpretation: The term spamo (with the o-ending designing nouns) makes sense as "senpete alsendita mesaĝo", which means "message being sent to someone without being asked for".

So, wikipedia has more or less answered the question, but I wouldn't trust it wholeheartedly. Lets check out some other sites.

This site gave me the definition of SPAM, the food.

Much to the chagrin of Hormel Foods, maker of the canned "Shoulder Pork and hAM"/"SPiced hAM" luncheon meat, the term "spam" has today come to mean network abuse, particularly junk E-mail and massive junk postings to USENET.

It also adds another probably false acronym;

Another unconfirmed report from a BBS user claims to have seen it defined as a "Single Post to All Messagebases" though this origin seems unlikely in my personal opinion.

Reading further down the page, this site also credits the term 'spam' to the Monty Python sketch.

So there we have it, if it wasn't for some brilliant comedy, we would be calling those annoying messages in our inbox something else.

The last site also has a page of further reading about spam.

I completed this purely by accident, being an enthusiastic reader of crime novels I generally always have a book to read at night. Unfortunately I had finished my current book (something by Harlen Coben) on the bus that afternoon (Ticket to read, anyone?) and as our house is in that sick twisted state in between living in and moving out of, all of my books were packed up. Save the few that were bought after the packing. One of these books was Angels Flight by Micheal Connoly, a book I had already read a while back when it was first purchased. I started to read that, seeing as it was the book I'd read the longest time ago out of the ones that were out of boxes. Whilst reading I came across something I hadn't noticed before, a tie in with another of his books.

I love tie-ins, especially when the books being linked are not of the same series. It's an interesting piece of text that rewards those who have read the book being linked in. Now, when I had first read Angels Flight I had not read Void Moon, and therefore had not read about the shooting of a parole officer at the end of the novel. This time however, I noticed the subtle link where Harry Bosch (the main character) notices a parole building with a 'Welcome back!' banner slung across the door, and a small ceremony with a woman on crutches at the center. This was a pleasant surprise, and made the reread much more interesting than it would have been otherwise.

I felt that a letter to the United Nations Secretary General was fitting because he is a very high ranking politician and I have specific credentials regarding the UN and South Korea. I felt that my request to increase cultural sharing between America and South Korea, particularly the idea of actually improving America through learning from others, was simultaneously mundane and impossible. The letter was sent via email to inquiries@UN.org and, should time permit, updates will follow. The letter is long so I am putting off hand-writing it (I have no printer, or fancy word processing software, currently) but, should time permit, I will endeavor to send the request through other channels.

Dear Secretary General Ban Ki-moon,

I am writing to you with a request. It is a very simple request, really and I shall endeavor to explain in painstaking detail why I feel it is important to make the request and how you might implement the resolution. I greatly appreciate the time you may take to read this and respond.

First, allow me to indicate what great respect I have for the United Nations. I completed a Master's Degree in International Affairs with a focus in International Law and Organizations and spent a great deal of time studying both the organization you lead and the challenges it faces. Needless to say: I seek to participate in strengthening your organizations, increase the perceived value of international organizations to large countries like the U.S., and improve the lives of people all over the world.

Second, I am currently living in your native country of South Korea as an English teacher. I just began a one-year contract assisting dozens of wonderful children speak, read, and write the English language to improve their opportunities on the world stage. However, I am not merely working in the R.O.K., I am living there. I am attempting to understand, appreciate, and contribute to Korean culture while I am a guest in your country.

With that context I wish to discuss with you the nature of childhood, as I have seen it, in Korea. Many of my students spend 12 hours or more studying from a very young age. They go to many academies and are expected not only to be expressive and intelligent in their native language but to learn English, musical instruments, and numerous other skills.

While I appreciate the importance of education and discipline and strongly believe that American students should be driven to develop additional skills, particularly foreign languages, I am concerned about the destruction of childhood to which I am contributing by working at a hagwon. I have only just begun teaching but already I regularly hear of parents complaining that the children do not get enough homework even though the work we assign is in addition to their regular schooling. Not only that! The focus is on keeping the children busy with work rather than measuring the success of their efforts. There appears to be no strong drive to prove that the many hours of studying does anything except deny these children the opportunity to play.

It is unfortunate that English has become such a dominant lingual force. Americans now lack incentive to learn a foreign language because, more and more, developing nations and those nations that are vying for a more dominant economic position among developed nations, like the R.O.K., are learning English as a part of achieving that goal. By pressuring Korean children to learn English we are not only denying them the chance to study the many other fascinating languages of the world, we are making it easier for Americans to remain ignorant.

I am very happy for South Korea that in such a relatively short time it has moved from a relative unknown in Asia (economically) to such a powerhouse with one of its own leading the UN. I am sure that these successes and the desire to continue to rise are a part of the reason that Korean parents drive their children to work hard. Still, I worry.

I would like to suggest that perhaps, in your capacity as Secretary General, you dedicate some attention to the process of encouraging sincere cultural exchange between the USA and ROK. In particular I would like to see the UN become a leader in showing my native land the error of its ways in terms of education and understanding. My experience indicates to me that the average American is far more ignorant of other economically strong and culturally fascinating cultures than most other citizens of great nations, like Korea.

I believe that, rather than spending so much time attempting to conform with or incorporate standards being set by "the West", South Korea encourage consideration by my home country of moving towards values of "the East". Among the particular values I believe South Korea could share with Americans are that of the importance of learning a second language, the importance of heavy investment in education, and Confucian values. The hyper-independant nature of modern America is poisonous to every citizen of the world. Confucianism values loyalty and more collective considerations by individuals and I believe that Americans would be better world citizens if they were to realize that they must recognize their impact on the whole and not just themselves.

I do not mean to imply that America has nothing to offer in return. Perhaps Americans could show students and, importantly, their parents that one can be highly successful without spending almost every waking hour engaged in studies. Many of America's great entrepreneurs have succeeded because they have bucked tradition. Likewise, much of our success in artistic and creative realms has been cultivated and strengthened by providing individuals with unstructured time in which to explore their own interests.

If our nations built a shared agenda of this kind of cultural exchange we could strengthen our workforces and our track two diplomatic ties. I strongly believe that more young Koreans should have the opportunity to enjoy Halloween and that Americans should learn about how White Day and Valentine's Day are celebrated in Korea. Citizens of both our countries could benefit from increasing the number of holidays we celebrate because more vacation time is healthy and it would provide an opportunity for us to celebrate together. So, I ask you to consider supporting increased cultural exchange that Koreans might encourage Americans to learn a second language and increase our support of education and that, in turn, you and your fellow citizens might join us for the occasional game or wholly unstructured Quality Time.

I hope that my suggestions comport with your vast experience and intelligence. I would like to add that one of my students indicated in her homework assignment that you once had trouble learning English. I congratulate you on overcoming this and your achievements. Please continue to use your skills to make our world a better one and to increase cultural exchange between our two nations.

Thank you (and kamsa hamnida) for your hard work, leadership, dedication to the goals of the United Nations, and humanity.

Sincerely,
F. Worth

I thought that a long, winding letter on a mundane matter would be most effective if I took a matter which was actually important to me (but also trivial) and started to free associate to other concepts that I was interested in and might relate to it. In terms of sending it to a person in power…why not go right to the top and send it to the most powerful man in the world? Finally, to make sure that it was truly a winding letter, I thought that the letter itself should wind around the page. You may need to check out the full size to actually read the letter.

Well, a nice easy task to do during a lunchtime, take a key, carve an apple.



LEWL

There is a message to my housemates in these brownies, made with chocolate and peanut butter chips. It seems to be being followed. :)

We ran our names through Rot13, and changed them for a week.

Thomas Gibbard became Gubznf Tvooneq
Ben Forbes became Ora Sbeorf
Adam 'GY0' Smith became Nqnz 'TL0' Fzlg

Ben's is odd because his Rot13'd surname is an anagram of his actual surname, cool eh?



Daryl asked us what the hell we were doing, we explained and he joined in.

Daryl Hewett Became Qnely Urjrgg.

Noone else figured us out, so they either didn't care, or are blind.

I very quickly realized that a fun way to perform this task would be in the form of a Press Release. I heard a story that Code Pink had released a fake Press Release in the guise of Blackwater in order to draw further attention to their recent troubles over their conduct in Iraq. Additionally, I worked for a political non-profit as an intern and learned all manner of things regarding public relations and how book reviews, op-eds, and press releases are often utter twaddle. What better format for going on about something of which I am ignorant?

The subject gave me trouble. Philosophically, ironically enough, one could argue that it is wholly impossible to write about something of which you know nothing precisely because you know nothing! I cannot see the dark without the light! I must, conundramatically, know something about the thing in order to write about it.

I racked my brain. What do I know very little about? Most specifically, what do I know a bare minimum about that I can write about while still knowing enough to not commit some grave offense in the process? Naturally, with my vast swathes of knowledge about most things animal, vegetable, and mineral I was troubled and finally sought counsel. I asked my friend to tell me what she thought I knew little about and she said "maintaining your existentialism." O! She is my Minerva, a font of wisdom.

I know almost nothing about formal Existentialism, much less about the process of maintaining it! But, as any good BS artist knows, you have to have some key words so I hit the Wikipedia entry on Existentialism, which provided two boosts. First, there was always the chance that the page would contain some fact about how there are more elephants now than there were before or that ERIC IS GAY!!!!!!; so I might easily sound authoritative on something wrong based on the weakness of the source. Second, I was able to pull key words out without absorbing, or being troubled by, a lot of facts. This project requires the light touch of truthiness over the dead weight of realities.


The Organization of Concerned Existentialists

For Immediate Release

Contact: F. Worth
Tel. 202/657-6662
Email: flitworth@sf0.org

THE OCE RESPONDS TO REPORT OF INCREASED BREAKDOWNS IN EXISTENTIALISM

Maintenance is the Key to Proper Operation of Your Existentialism

Recent studies indicate that the number of Existentialists has fallen in over the past ten years. Citing a need to submit to a higher power and relinquish the burden of personal responsibility many Existentialists have experienced a breakdown in Existentialism stemming from the strains of modern life and an increased distance from the philosophy. The Organization of Concerned Existentialists have identified a lack of maintenance as an underlying factor and have released a list of regular Existential activities to assist those who have lost the way.

First, read the classics. "I have found that many Existentialists are concerned about a distant, or even absent, Kierkegaard from their daily life. Existentialism requires that you read His works to remain close," stated the President of OCE. The OCE suggests reading a passage from Repetition or Sartre's Essays in Existentialism each day.

Second, recognize that there is no over-arching pattern to existence. Do not spend time seeking the reason for occurrences in your daily life, simply accept that they happen. Often turning away from existentialism begins with a followers attempt to explain that which has no explanation. When things happen simply tell yourself: life is absurd.

Third, seek out other Existentialists. "I found a great little group of Existentialists on MeetUp," stated OCE member Jean Soren, "and my friend met one just by hanging around the Philosophy section of Borders for a few hours on a Saturday." When asked what advice Ms. Soren might give to faltering Existentialists she said, "Just remember you aren't alone. I mean, you are, so alone, but, you can be alone with other people if you just look."

If you have questions about maintaining your Existentialism you are encouraged to both take responsibility for your own choices in the matter and to contact F. Worth for more information.

Ladies and gentlemen,

I come before you today before you with a warning: The nations of the Caribbean are at a crossroads. They face a future riddled with threats such as they have never had to face before, and their fate hangs in the balance. My friends, it is up to us to save them.

With the advent of corn syrup and aspartame, the billion-dollar business that is the sweetener industry has slowly and surely been slipping away from the islands of the Caribbean. Who needs the sugarcane of Haiti when they can get it in a bottle? Who needs the rum of Trinidad when they can make their own synthetic rum from a machine manufactured in China and ordered from a SkyMall catalog? Thousands of farmers have turned to soybeans, whose growing season is shortened in the oxygenated soil of the islands. They cannot survive on the income they make from the beans, and the farmers are the lifeblood of the Caribbean.

But it is not only the farmers that are threatened. The service industry faces a crisis as well. Tourism rates are up more than 200% in European countries like France and Switzerland. The once-classic vacations to Aruba, Jamaica, and Bermuda have now become passé. Due to decreased tourist traffic and increased overhead, the island of Kokomo recently had to give over to a hostile buyout by the island of Curacao.

Trade embargoes are helping nothing. CFTA, the Caribbean Free Trade Agreement, is up for a vote in the House of Representatives. The vote is sure to be a close one. With 2.5 billion dollars a year coming from the Caribbean, the stakes could not be higher. Call your representative. Tell them: We care. And we're willing to give up our stuffy European vacations for the good of our neighbor to the south, the all-inclusive, pina colada-soaked isles of the Caribbean.

God bless.

I love Charlie Fish's completions. Simple as that I think a lot of them are absolute genius. He was my first choice for this task and I was delighted when he gave me his address. I went out today and wanted to find a postcard which was a good fit for Great Yarmouth. I managed to find a funny one which was quite relevant.

I wrote:

Mr Fish
Your Are Legend
You are free to make all my base your's
Adam 'GY0' Smith